I’m all worked up and thoughts are spinning like crazy. Once I calm down I’ll think more rationally.

Until then? No.

- My aunt is dying. She has small cell type lung cancer. She was already in very bad health (COPD among other things) and was very thin, even for a petite woman. She weighed around 60lbs at one point, then gained weight. I think she’s lost weight again.

Anyway. Because her health is so bad, they cannot do any form of treatment for the cancer. She’s dying. Mom thinks she’ll make until after Christmas but not much longer.

- Suburban. I was informed today that it has to be COMPLETELY fixed before I can get a state inspection sticker. It has an ABS issue that could cost at least $1500. There may or may not be a hydraulic issue (I don’t think there is but what do I know?). If it’s JUST the computer module then that’s a part that cost over $800.

- My car is due for inspection. My car’s brake light is on. … Self-explanatory, right? I’m panicked.

- My grandpa is still in the nursing home. Mom thinks he’ll be around longer than my aunt, but.. yeah.

- A brother and I are sort of on the outs. He’s an ass. I’d rehash the conversation that played out (over Facebook, which I deleted) but there’s no point in that. Of course he’d rather choke on his own spit than admit he’s an ass, and I’m not about to apologize for having a “moment”.

- A HUGE issue which has been taking place over the past couple of weeks that has had me on edge and worked up to the point of being sick to my stomach. I can’t really talk about it right now, though I wish I could. It would help to talk about it but I can’t. What bothers me most is that I’m sure more than a few people in my family know about it, yet no one other than my mom have asked me how it’s going, how I’m doing, etc. I NEED to hear from people, but I get silence. Some of them are probably thinking I deserve it, but who knows.

- I wanted to go home for Christmas, just to see my aunt and grandpa. Not sure that is going to happen.

- J. is going to be home for R&R in a couple of weeks. He has almost NO civilian clothing with him. Nearly everything is up at his grandpa’s house in KY. So I get to spend money buying him clothing. Money I don’t really have since Christmas is coming and I was planning on going home. But now that’s up in the air so.. I don’t know.

I’m so worked up. I know I’ll calm down and get my head straight. Just have to get distracted for a while.

Yesterday went something like this:

- Not much in the morning.  Just trying to get a few things done in the house but there wasn’t much progress.

- Put baby girl down for a nap later than I should have after remembering that we had to pick Ethan up at 1:30.

- Call school office at 12:30 to let them know Ethan would need to be leaving at 1:30ish.  They said they’d have him there.

- Go ahead and get ready.  Get dogs fed and out.  Realize at 1:25 that HOLYCOWIT’S1:25!!!  Get sleepy girl from bed, start to get her dressed.  She gets mad, also has to potty.

- Leave at 1:35. 

Realize that my daughter has no shoes.  Oops. 

Get to school, leave Anna in the car while I jog in and…no Ethan.  Am told he is coming.  1:42 I get back in the car with Ethan.

- Manage to show up at 2:03 for his 2:00 appointment.  She was running behind too so phew!  Proceed to entertain emotionally-unbalanced-due-to-insufficient-nap daughter for 45 minutes.

- Also manage to knock an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet right before flushing.  Oops.

- Grab drinks from Bush’s.  Sweet tea for them, a Diet Coke for me.  Have cut back a lot but really wanted fizzy caffeine!

- 2:59.  Head for Academy to find padded arm things for Seth.  Football gear is fun.  Get to Academy by 3:09, find necessary items.  Leave by 3:19.

- 3:25 we get to clinic.  Ethan and Anna assume their usual roles.  Yes, people, my daughter is barefoot and I let her walk from the car into the building.  And let her walk around the waiting room.  And the bathroom.  She’s machine washable, so no biggie.

- Play Angry Birds while keeping an eye on my still emotionally-unbalanced-die-to-insufficient-nap child.  She was extra feisty. 

Oy.  Ethan was kept about 10 minutes longer since his therapist ran behind with her precious appointment.

- 4:15 we leave for home.  Get home by 4:40.  Sigh loudly.  Chicken breasts that had been laying out?  Still somewhat frozen.  THAW, DAMN YOU!

- 5:10 I cal

l after school program guy to let them know I need Seth by 5:30.  Anna and Ethan fluctuate between buddies and screeching wombats of combat.

- 5:25 I leave to get Seth.  Remember the book fair at E’s school.  Get Seth home where he proceeds to goof off with his brother.  5:55 I’m ready to blow a basket because he still wasn’

t ready for

practice.  “I can’t find my football pants!” Telling me at 5:40 would have been better.

- Pants found in the laundry basket.  Ice water ready.  Leave at 6:06.  Thank God for the cold front!  Lower temps, clouds…nice!

- Drop Seth off and run back to the house for his arm gear.  Drop it off, chat with another mom, then head for book fair in spite of Ethan’s protests.  Note to self: do NOT buy one of everything.

- 6:30ish we get to the school.  Get some books, leave by 6:45.  Spent $24.  That’s actually good for me where the book fair is concerned. 

- Back at the field by 6:55.  Chill and watch practice until the end.  Home by 8:08.

- Finally get dinner going and in the oven.  Watch “Princess Bride” while 2 of my 3 read their books.  Chase dogs and hungry kiddos from the kitchen at various times.

- 9:10 we sit down to eat.  Please note that my kids are normally in bed at this time.  Eat, watch movie. 

- 9:34 They appear to be finished.  Get the boys off to their room while trying to convince baby girl that she absolutely cannot wear her skirt to bed, and her strawberry pjs are dirty so other pjs have to do.

- 9:43 Anna is tucked into bed and boys are settled.  Took the pups out.

- 10:10 I get into bed.

Must plan ahead to better manage my time.  The Crock Pot is about to find an almost-permanent spot on my counter, too. 

“Wow..I’ll be on time today!”

News. Must see the news.

That was a sort of re-cap of my 9-11-01.

I typically watched some news in the morning, but hadn’t turned it on that morning. I typically listened to the radio, but lack of music and all that incessant talking bugged me.

I was distracted, which is not unusual, and so I didn’t really hear what was being said.

Normally I would take my son, now 11, out to my grandparents’ house before going to class. I think he had spent the previous night with them but I honestly cannot remember.

I was not doing well in the class I was taking, so I was trying to focus on it rather than the news. The fact that no one else seemed serious bugged me. The professor didn’t say much at all. In fact, I don’t think he knew anything about it until one of the students mentioned it.

My friend, Crystal, and I caught up after my class. She was the one who filled me in. I went into the office of the Psychology department (she was a Psych major) and watched, dumbfounded, while the realization really hit me.

I only had that one class, so I left.

I literally did feel scared as I drove, wincing while looking up at the sky at any chance I could, half-expecting to see a plane drop out of the sky.

Never in my life before that day had I felt scared, shaken to the core. Never had I felt unsafe in my own country, my own town, as I had that day. The only thing that – thank God – has come close have been the terrorist attack at Ft. Hood in 11/09, and the thwarted attack this summer. Even those didn’t shake me like 9/11/01 did.

I spent the rest of the day and evening glued to the tv. And the next day. At some point I decided that the overload was doing me no good. I made an effort to pull myself away and get out of the house.

Husband – not so much my husband at that point – was deployed. A “safe” deployment with NATO, over in Kosovo. There was a blackout in place. No communication. In my fear, and my always-awesome handling of stress, I kept saying I just wanted him to come back to the States. I got flack for that. Still haven’t figured out why but I did.

My oldest was one then. Like any generation, the enormity of a horrific event is hard to impress on those who did not witness that event in some capacity. He understands, and we have talked about it. I don’t know that it will ever affect him or my other two the way it affected those of us who saw and understood, simply because they were not there to see and understand – or not understand, but later realize – what was going on.

The horror. The pain. The anger. The grief.

My children do not know it. I want them to understand, but I don’t want them to feel it for themselves through actual experience.

It is an unfortunate, angry truth that it could happen again and that my children will unfortunately be slapped in the face by such atrocity.

I hope not. I pray not.

Husband is currently part of a mission that started a decade ago as a direct result of these attacks. My children’s world was turned upside down before one knew what the world was, and before the other two even existed. Our normal is war. Our normal is a dad who is away for a year at a time, sometimes a little longer, fighting to stem the tide of those who could influence that horror again. Our normal is seeing soldiers come and go, cheering them on either way.

We are all affected, even a decade later.

One part of me, for a few years afterward, hoped and prayed that we would return to “normal”. I thought I was being optimistic, but after a while I began to see it as unrealistic. To return to normal would mean trying to “unknow” what we know, and “unsee” what we saw. We cannot do that. And we should not. Too many gave their lives, willingly and unwillingly, and they cannot be forgotten.

Last post was July 4. Hmm..

We’ve been to Galveston and the Johnson Space Center since then. It’s been hot as hades constantly here (I forgot what our record was but records are being broken frequently..sometimes on a daily basis).

We’re also in a drought and there are a lot of fires popping up. Those fires are usually due to someone’s stupidity. One of the latest fires? “Well hey! I need to get this barbecue pit back to Point B from Point A, so I’ll just haul it down the road while it is still full of hot, smoldering coals!”

Yeah.

I finished my stint on the HCG diet, losing around 35lbs. I thought about continuing but I want to exercise. Exercise – the kind I want to do – is a no-go on the diet. So. No more HCG right now. Just doing the Couch-to-5K, and hopefully starting another something or other for the days in between the running days.

Miss Banana is doing well, if not thriving. I signed the kids up for AWANA and she is in a group for 2-3 year olds called “Puggles”. Being whiny and clingy has never been a huge issue with her, and she is so independent. The first AWANA meeting she was off with her little group with barely a “Bye Mom!” For real. The girl cracks me up. I expected no issues and she surpassed my expectations.

Seth started 6th (!!) grade and seems to be enjoying Junior High. They have to choose an activity (Band, Cheerleading, Football, that sort of thing) and he chose band. I am now the parent of an aspiring tuba player. As our SUV is sort of out of commission right now, I’m using our car. Have you seen a tuba? Do you KNOW how big they are? Google it. They ain’t little, ya’ll.

I have a car that is roughly the size of a Camry. So take 3 kids, one of those in a car seat, plus a tuba in a big ol’ case.. well… we make it work. He’s enjoying things so far, and I so, so hope that this year is better for him than last year.

E-man started 2nd grade, and I’m a bit anxious about it. He’s done okay during the first week of school, I guess. Behavior-wise he seems to be doing fine judging by his behavior chart. Otherwise I have no clue. I have heard NOTHING from his teacher, nor have I heard anything regarding his tutoring and such. I don’t like this lack of communication but it is just the second week of school so I’m just waiting.

He’s doing well in therapy, though. That’s always good.

Oh – signed Seth up for football (Parks & Rec). Help.

Still trying to work out house issues. It is the job that will never get done. Well, it feels that way at times. My oldest brother was promoted recently (yay! So happy for him!) and his new rank allows him more freedom in making his own schedule. He’s offered to work his schedule so that he can come down for a few days or so to do some work for me. That would be awesome!

Also: I have a nephew due in December and another niece of or nephew due in March.

Hmm.. I’m not sure what else has happened. Just life I guess!

I have heard that if you are determined to have a positive attitude when you start the day then it can make your whole day go better.

That is something I decided I was going to do.  I was trying to have a better attitude, especially since I love the effect of cheerfulness from others on me.

So?

I began posting a positive Facebook status in the mornings.  For one thing, I wanted to be more positive.  For another, I figured (and hoped) that if anyone on my friend’s list was having a bad day then a positive/cheerful status might make them smile a bit.  Hey – it always worked for me when others did the same!

I don’t know if it has had an impact on anyone else, but it has had a HUGE impact on me.  Something as simple as setting a cheerful Facebook status has actually helped me to be more upbeat throughout the day.  Isn’t that something?

That isn’t to say I don’t have bad days, or I don’t have moments when I want to scream.  I just don’t want to put down every little frustration.  I want to feel better, and to do that I have to think better.

So I have been working that out, and it’s working for me.

And I like it a lot.

My To Do list seems to grow when it should be shrinking.

I need to get rid of much clutter, and I slowly make progress.  Then I find that I have to add to the list because some things that I’m going to donate or try to sell need a good scrubbing, or I can’t find a piece or two when I KNOW I have it here somewhere.  I have issues getting rid of something without it having all the pieces.

My sofa, which I want to replace, needs a cleaning before I will even attempt to get it out of here.  That means pulling the cushions apart and a few days of drying time.  I know it sounds silly to clean it just to have it thrown away but, well, I have my reasons.

I’m in the process of hopefully getting one of my brothers down here to fix my bathrooms.  I hope that works out!

I gave in and bought the boys new bunkbeds a few weeks ago, rather than waiting until after we move.  Their old set was not safe to use.  No amount of attempted tightening helped, and the bottom bunk was just falling apart.  This is because 1) hello, cheap pine beds! 2) Ethan, and 3) Ethan with a dose of Anna. 

Ethan is hard on furniture.  I’ve said on Facebook that I should get steel or concrete furniture.  I was only partially joking.  Heh. 

Their new bunkbeds?  Metal.

They aren’t up yet, of course, because I felt they should rest comfortably in the back of the SUV for a week or so.  And also because the box weighed over 100lbs and the boys’ room was a mess.  I knew I would have to take the bed out piece by piece, and get their room cleaned. 

See?  The list keeps growing! 

The bed is out now, though, and the room actually wasn’t too terrible.  It takes a while to clean because I just HAVE to sort through everything.  Keep, toss, donate…*sigh*

I also need to finish painting the rooms that didn’t get painted which means every room except the boys’ room, dining room, and kitchen.  Problem there: boys’ room needs touched up, kitchen was already re-done.  Dining room needs re-done.  Also: all trim.  And we need new baseboards in every room except the bathrooms.  And all cabinets need new hinges, paint, and most need new hardware.  And the ceilings need help.

Again.  The list seems to grow and thrive rather than shrivel and die.  Once I have so much thrown at me I struggle to know where to begin and how to stay on task. 

Definitely overwhelmed.

I’m sort of blogging about the hCG diet/protocol. I started at WordPress, then started up a WP blog here, and now I’m back to the first one at WordPress.

Hey – it wouldn’t be ‘me’ if I weren’t wishy-washy!

Anyway. http://donewentnuts.wordpress.com

It’s there to read, if you’re so inclined.

I don’t know why I said “sort of” blogging. I post there a few times per day. Here I’m doing well to post more than once or twice per month lately.